Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized

1258

1258 days. Thats how long I have had to go on without you. I can’t say ive lived each day but I am surviving although I have no idea how.

I think for the majority of the time I am able to control my grief, I have blips where I get upset, days where I have no motivation because whats the point when you have gone and constant times when i think of you and wonder who you would have been. There is no doubt you are always in the front of my mind and my heart still hurts because I miss you so much.

But how do I cope when the pain just feels too bad, when the wave of grief feels too raw? How do I stay strong when realisation hits and suddenly I am thrown back to hearing those words that killed me inside “we did everything we could but im sorry…”

Jason, losing you meant I lost so many other parts of being your mum and that pain in my heart wont ever go away. While others excitedly shared their first born in their new uniform on their first day of school it hit me that I wont ever get to do that with you. I knew this year wouldn’t be your first day at school but it is the year we should have been applying for your school place, I already know you’d have needed to go to a special needs school and I would have loved sending you to the same school your uncle went to. I already know you’d have loved school so much just like me. I know I would have been THAT mum sharing her proud pictures and getting involved as much as I could. I know it would have been difficult but I know we could have got you there. You would have looked so cute in your nursery uniform this year (assuming you could attend a nursery) and if you are anything like your sister youd be showing off your cheekiness by the end of the week.

Now that the realisation has hit I am dreading next September already, working in a school and seeing those tiny reception children on their first day im not sure im going to be able to do it. Im not strong enough for that, i dont want to be strong enough.

I want you. Every day. I want to be your mum and give you hugs and make everything okay.

My shining star, I love you x

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, Somewhere After The Rainbow, Uncategorized

National Rainbow Baby Day

Today (22nd August) is National Rainbow Day, which follows on from Baby Loss Awareness Week and Day of Hope.

When I was pregnant with Ellie I didnt like the term rainbow baby, I didnt like the idea of Jasons life/death being thought of as “the storm” however the term is widely known in the baby loss community and becoming more known in the public eye too so it is easier to call her our Rainbow instead of explaining our story repeatedly.

A rainbow baby doesn’t take away the pain from the loss of a child. I have said before that I have grieved harder for Jason since Ellie was born I carry more guilt because she is alive and he isn’t but in other ways it does ease the pain. My arms are no longer empty, my heart is fuller than ever and my smile isnt always fake. She has given me a new reason to live when all I wanted was to die.

So today I wanted to celebrate her. I live to make my children proud and I want Ellie to grow up knowing everything I do is for her. My worry is that she will grow up feeling like she is second best or having to compete with Jason for my attention however I also want her to grow up being able to talk about her big brother and know about him, I need him to be included just as much as I need Ellie to know she is our reason for living.

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For me, Ellie has made me feel like I can be happy again, she makes me smile and feel more love than I could have possibly thought I could give. Since Ellie arrived I have been able to listen to music without crying, I can focus on the lyrics and find some happiness within the sad. I don’t drive to work with the tears flowly freely, in fact I dont cry as much as I used to at all. I want to go out and make memories but I still find celebrations and family meals etc hard. I am still reminded every day of the things we are missing out on but it is easier to handle now I have someone who gives me cuddles when I am sad.

When Jason died I thought that was my only chance of hearing anyone call me mum and it was gone; hearing Ellie call for her Mama is something I will never tire of no matter what time it is.

She reminds me of how much I love her Daddy and how much our family means to me; sometimes in the crazy life of parenting it is easy to forget about the love you had before children but when I see how much he makes Ellie laugh and how big his smile is when he is with her it makes me feel like I am 15 again and in this early stages of love.

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Ellie has filled my life with happiness, love and so much laughter that I never thought I would ever feel again. I will always be so grateful for my rainbow baby, for her beauty, for having her brothers nose, for reminding me how lucky I am to have held them both and loved them both as long as the stars shine in the night.

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I am also always reminded of those who don’t have their rainbow and my heart hurts for them so much. Our babies are our lives and for a grieving parent the longing to have their baby is intensified. Please know I share your pain and wish I could take it away and bring your beautiful babies back to you. I wish none of us knew this pain and I hope you are able to feel true happiness once more.

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Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford

Nursery

I have finally given in our interest form to put Ellie’s name down for nursery. I found it such a stressful task, I have said from the start I wanted Ellie to attend the nursery linked to the primary school I work at mainly because the staff are amazing, I know them and I know it will fit around me being at work too.

It was only an interest form, Ellie won’t actually be starting nursery until the term after she is 3, making it January 2020 which is ages away right? I know it will come creeping up and I know by then she will be ready for nursery and that preparation for school! I’m not one of these parents who is bothered, i’m actually quite excited to see what she will be like at school, I was always very quiet, got on with it and liked being at school and learning. I imagine Ellie will be the complete opposite and a little bit of a nightmare.

Due to me and Luke both working, Ellie is only entitled to the 30 hours free funding once she is 3 otherwise we’d have made the decision to put her into nursery for those 15 hours at 2. I hate the fact that to the outside world she is an only child and don’t want her growing up with that “only-child syndrome” people talk about. At nearly 19 months she is happy to share with her toys and she shares with us but she isn’t great at playing around other children and I know nursery will help develop that skill.

Because I like to be organised and prepared for EVERYTHING; I would love to hear your thoughts on what is necessary for children starting nursery at 3. Obviously I would want her to be toilet-trained by then but what else would people recommend? I’ve worked in Primary schools for nearly 10 years now and have seen the starters in reception classes be at very different levels in their maturity and abilities but I’ve never seen them start at nursery and what they can/can’t do so it intrigues me.


It was only after filling in Ellie’s forms that it reminded me I should have another little person starting nursery; Jason would have started nursery the term after his third birthday which would have been after Easter. That is assuming he could have started nursery then, I will never know for sure due to his DS and tissue on the brain however I do like to think we would have everything in place and a fantastic support network in place to have his education started as early as possible. It’s simple tasks I do with Ellie that makes me think about everything I missed out on with Jason. The milestones she has hit and continues to tackle, the firsts we have shared, I even wonder whether he’d have been a restless sleeper like she is and I’d have currently been on 3 years and 3 months (to the day!). I can imagine how irritable I would be!

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford, Uncategorized

SANDS Awareness Month

June marks the beginning of SANDS awareness month.

#findingthewords

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This year’s campaign is all about breaking the silence and helping people talk about their loss. Ive always been lucky and ive got a great support circle who can talk about Jason with me, even sometimes bringing it up themselves to start the conversation however I know for so many they worry that talking about the loss and grief can be upsetting.

As a mum I want to talk about Jason as much as I can. I want to include him in anything especially family things because he made me a mum and he started our family.

If I could give anything to someone who is new to baby loss or someone who would like to comfort a grieving parent it would be this;

· Dont be afraid to mention their baby/child, they probably feel like they can’t but may still want to talk about them.

· Listen

· Ask those questions you might have

· Offer support in other ways (if you are able) such as cooking them a meal, offering to look after other children ot walk their dog, check in on them.

For me one of the most important things I was asked when Jason died is something that isnt spoken of enough so this is a huge one…

· Ask how the Dad is. They are grieving too and most often forgotten as they are usually the strong ones who hide their grief. They are often asked how the mother is doing but rarely thought of in the same way. Dads matter just as much as Mums so please talk to them too.

SANDS have released an amazing video on their campaign for anyone wanting to watch Finding The Words

No one grieving after the death of their baby should have to do so in isolation.

– Taken from SANDS finding the words campaign.

Their campaign last year focused on the number 15. 15 babies a day. 15 babies a day die. This is such a huge number for a topic that is so widely unspoken of.

Not just 15 babies but 15 mums, 15 dads, 15 grandparents are all affected by the loss of a baby. I didnt just lose a baby the day Jason died, I lost a lifetime of firsts, a lifetime of memories and I lost a part of myself.

Before losing Jason I never really thought about baby loss, why would I? I knew it happened, I knew people it had happened to however these deaths were from a time where baby loss was a taboo and people had to carry on as if their child never existed. I am grateful that the baby loss community is so strong in this era that it is spoken of, that Jason is remembered and thought of and that people don’t expect me to just act as of I was never pregnant. It is thanks to charities such as SANDS that thid is possible.

Yet still knowing everything I know now about baby loss and how common neonatal deaths and stillbirths are, I find it so hard to believe that on the day Jason died 14 other babies died too. While in the hospital waiting to go home the day Jason died we were told of 2 other babies who didnt make it. Out of 15 babies on average in the UK to have sadly died that day 3 of those were in the same hospital. Thinking of it now makes me feel so much sadness and anger at how common the death of a baby is. In a reality where people can do their entire shopping online and live their entire lives through social media we are unable to prevent something that has been happening for thousands of years.

Pregnancy and birth is a natural process, a way of life yet for me it has become a way of death too. Before Jason this had never crossed my mind yet now I worry for anyone who decides to try and bring life in to the world. Sands were the first charity I came across and the information they provide gave me so much insight into the world I was facing. If anything they showed me that it was okay to talk about my son, it was actually more than okay and they showed me that I wasnt alone in this group i had joined.

#sandsawarenessmonth #sandsawareness #june

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized

Do I deserve this?

A question I’ve asked myself for as long as I can remember. I’m no saint but im definitely not a bad person. Ive always lived my life trying to please everyone and trying to make people happy and yet I still ask.

As a kid I was bullied throughout school, it still haunts me now. It wasnt what you would call serious bullying just the typical name calling, horrible stuff kids come out with that most people have probably endured during their lives but for me it hit a nerve and its never gone away. I always wondered what I had done to deserve that; I was good, okay maybe a bit too good and I always wanted to learn (a bit of a square for the 90s kids reading) but I had a good group of friends and I was happy yet I remember the bullying so clearly. Does ANYONE deserve to have something like that stay with them for as long as I have?

I began asking myself the same question when I met Luke. I didnt feel like I deserved to be so loved by someone else. I found it bizarre that someone older than me wanted to spend time with me; wanted to marry me. 12 years later I still find it a mystery why he hasn’t left me for someone better. I love that man with all my heart and ive always tried to give him everything he deserved and yet I still think he deserves better. I tormented myself with that thought when Jason died. If I had truly given him everything then I should have his Son with me too. I failed him as a wife and I know deep down there is someone in this world that wouldn’t and yet he is still here.

Jasons death brought a whole new meaning to “do I deserve this?” For once I wasnt questioning anything other than what I had done wrong. I convinced myself something as awful as your baby dieing must only happen to the worst kinds of people. Unfortunately, I know too many amazing people who have also lost their child and none of them deserved it! Nobody does! It doesnt matter who you are or what youve done, baby loss can happen to anyone.

Now Ellie is here I feel like I am losing my confidence in being a mum. Mothering Jason was so different to what I expected and I had to find ways to be his mum even though he wasnt here. I didnt get to dress him or feed him, I didnt get to mother him in the conventional way. I cuddled him and talked to him, I cried on him and I begged him to wake up; when Ellie was born I was suddenly thrown into a whole new world of motherhood. One where I could dress her and hear her cry. I play with her, I cuddle her, I take thousands of pictures, all this is normal yet I feel like I dont deserve to be her mum. Once again I feel like there is someone who could do a better job. Ellie is such a clingy toddler and she needs me 24/7 when she wakes in the night she cries for Mama, when she wakes in the morning she shouts for mama, she is there all the time and at risk of sounding ungrateful for her (which I can assure you is definitely not the case) I know the constant neediness is draining me. I feel myself lose my patience more than i want to. I don’t spend as much time playing because I just need 5 minutes alone. We watch far too much cBeebies and Ellie eats way more fish fingers and chicken nuggets than I like to admit too. More than anything in the world I wanted to be a mum, now I have it and it really is such an amazing gift that I cherish every day but it still remains that I find being a mum hard. Ive never been selfish, ive always put everyone else first but now I feel so selfish for wanting a bit of time to myself which in turn makes the mum guilt appear too. Its a vicious circle and I dont know if I will ever break it.

Even though at times I feel like the worst mum ever when I sit and rationalise everything I have been through to get to this moment I kknowI deserve this and I want this and I love being a Mum. I dont know what triggers this doubt; grief, PND, birth trauma, previous experiences, a general lack of confidence but I do know that I am successful at getting through those bad days and we are all battling this parenting job in one way or another.

 

Be kind to yourself; you may not believe it but you are doing an amazing job!

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford

Saying Goodbye.

28th April 2015

Our final goodbyes. I don’t know how we got to that day, the month after Jason’s birthday seemed like a whirlwind and not for the reasons we wanted it to be. 

Looking back I realise that we didn’t know how to plan Jason’s funeral and there was no-one to really offer any support either. Our bereavement worker didn’t have much to do with us after our second meeting so she hasn’t really given us any clue how to go about it. I didn’t want to think about planning my sons funeral at all and so my mum got in touch with a local funeral directors who they had used to plan my Nan’s funeral. Jason’s  body wasn’t going to be released until after his post mortem so it give us a bit of time to meet with them before he needed to be moved.

I remember that meeting so vividly. My parents drove us and stayed with us while we made those heartbreaking decisions. Looking back I wish we’d have known more, said more, done more to show him how loved he was/is but in reality we just wanted it over with. We chose a basic coffin, I can’t even remember what kind! I feel like I have failed him so much in this journey because my mind has blocked out the pain. I think it was a wicker coffin but it may have been white. We drove ourselves there, not wanting to ride in a funeral car. Jason wasn’t taken from home but from the chapel of rest. I didn’t know having him at home was an option, one I think i would have wanted but I know I wouldn’t have been able to let him go again. We knew what music we wanted, one song, repeated just a couple of times. I knew I wanted “Here Without You” by Three Doors Down, it may be a song about lost lovers but the lyrics meant so much to me, hubby didn’t want to think so let me choose. 

We decided Jason’s funeral was to be just close family, us, grandparents and great grandparents and Jason’s uncle. I knew if anyone else was to come that I wouldn’t be able to grieve for my son who was lieing in the coffin. I would have felt like I needed to be strong and I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to take smile at friends who just didnt understand but would have been there because they loved him too.We needed to let our emotions out and say goodbye the only way we knew how. 

After talking to others I decided not to go to the chapel of rest, I wanted the memory of Jason to be me holding him, not him in there but my mother-in-law went as did lukes nans. They assured me he looked peaceful and beautiful but that is something I’ll never know for myself. I wish I had gone, dressed him, given him one final kiss goodbye but I didnt. I always think of him lying there, would he have known how much his mummy loved him? Would he have felt abandoned because I didn’t go and see him? 

I don’t know how but Luke carried Jason’s coffin in, along with my dad, Luke’s dad and my brother in law. I walked behind them just staring at the tiny box holding him, knowing his body was in there but also wishing it wasn’t and it wasn’t my sons funeral I was walking in to. It wasn’t his body being burnt to ashes. It wasn’t my family being left broken, it wasn’t me wishing it was me in there instead of him. We left daffodils on his coffin when we walked through the door. There was no eulogy, nobody spoke we just stood in silence listening to the music I spent hours deciding on. Waiting. Waiting for the curtains to close and for my boy to be gone forever. 

We spent longer than we wanted waiting for them to change the music but I stood there holding my husband’s hand while he was secretly holding the near Jason had with him in the hospital. The bear I wanted to bring but didn’t as Luke hadn’t been able to look at it. The bear that lay next to him in the only pictures we have. The bear that wasn’t much smaller than him and for perfectly in to Luke’s suit pocket. This tiny bear has so much meaning to us and I’m so glad it got to say it’s goodbyes too.

Jason’s funeral was held in 28th April 2015 at 11am. It needed to be early. I couldn’t sit around pretending to be okay for the entire day. 

Jason’s funeral was the day before his due date. Jason was due on the 29th April 2015. This should have been the happiest day of our lives, a due date brings so much hope and happiness to a mum but Jason’s due date was the first day I had to live knowing not just he had died but that his body was gone too. 

Posted in Chester Zoo, days out, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized, Zoo

Chester Zoo with a toddler.

On Tuesday we took a drive out to Chester Zoo, it’s just over an hours drive from Telford and we had pre-booked our tickets the night before. Tickets purchased online are actually cheaper than paying when you get there and can be purchased right up until 9:30 the morning you are planning your trip which I thought was pretty good. We had asked both our brothers if they wanted to come too so spent the day with them which Ellie loved. With my brother having Down Syndrome it also meant that as his carer for the day I got in for free (which we then halved the price of the ticket so he didn’t pay full adult), as a family with a disabled member I find it makes me want to visit more places when they allow for the carer or a discounted price for those with the special needs. I thought as his DS isn’t as obvious as others we might get questioned but they let us through without any hassle.

I have to say that for the entire journey it rained…no it didn’t rain it poured! I was seriously considering going home and wasting the money we had spent because the weather was so bad but knowing we had planned for bad weather and packed accordingly we knew the weather wasn’t going to stop us from enjoying Ellie’s first trip to the zoo.
Due to the weather and timing we were able to park on the main car park, which is FREE! I’d forgotten to bring any change with me so was grateful when we realised we didn’t need change for parking. We loaded up Ellie’s pushchair and made our way to the entrance, there was no need to queue as we’d already got our tickets so we went straight through, it didn’t seem to be very busy but i’m guessing that was because of the weather however it did stop raining and although it was dull, we were dry! The Zoo hires out buggy’s and other mobility services (wheelchairs being free too!) which if we hadn’t have taken our own we’d have needed as Ellie decided to nap half way through the day but after all the walking she did I’m not surprised!

Chester Zoo has such a special place in my heart, we go there at least once a year and I’ve been with a Jason bump and an Ellie bump which I guess is why I feel such a family connection whenever we go.

We were provided with a map (which I can never quite get my head around) and downloaded the free app to help us find our way. I found the app so useful as it had an interactive map that showed you where you are in the park at any time, it also had all the daily activities listed such as animals talks which if Ellie had been older we may have listened in on.

This was a great test to Ellie’s Tresspass Reins (click for my review) and they meant she was able to walk without us worrying about her wondering off. I must say taking a 17 month old to the Zoo was a tall order but the zoo is so spacious and well planned out that it didn’t feel overwhelming at all. I was a little bit worried that we were wasting our money on a day trip just for Ellie to see the animals but as she is so inquisitive she was quite happy just looking at the animals and walking was enough to make her happy.

We took our time visiting the animals and got to see all the ones we wanted to. At busier times certain animals were harder to see because of people crowding (the red ape realm, jaguar enclosure being the worst for getting a toddler to a window to see). Our first stop of the day was the elephants, I love their enclosure and since Jason died I have linked elephants (Dumbo in particular) to him so they were my favourite part of the day by far!

We saw one elephant feeding and a few baby elephants too which made my heart feel so much love. (Disclosure – I am not an animal person, I don’t want pets, I’m not keen on dogs and I don’t watch David Attenborough because I find him boring so to feel so much love for an elephant baffles me but I did.) We strolled off to find some other animals and was excited to show Ellie her favourite animal “Ra-Ra” that is a lion to you and me. I don’t think Ellie had realised that the lions were RaRa as she was more interested in the giant puddle near the lion enclosure and spent a good few minutes stomping and getting wet in the puddle. While walking around we encouraged Ellie to look at the animals we thought she might recognise and made the noises to help her associate them with her books and little toys.

I love that you can take your own picnic in to the Zoo, which for us meant it would be a much cheaper day out and I could pack Ellie’s lunch with her favourite fruit pouches and snacks. We were planning on buying ice creams but it was far too cold and now I regret it! There were plenty of places to buy food and drinks from dotted all over the park with quite a large variety too however as you could expect it wasn’t cheap, a small tray of chips and curry sauce was £2.50 where as it was around £7-£9 for a meal.

I was a bit nervous at having to change Ellie in public, we tend to avoid it as much as possible as she hates getting her nappy changed; however I was pleasantly surprised to find that not only was there plenty of baby changing facilities but they were in both male and female toilets! They were clean and spacious and made the change much easier…even if Ellie did cry throughout the whole thing and the other Mum’s in the toilet area gave me a look as we toddled out with tears down her face.

We eventually saw the Giraffes and the Congo Buffalos which I think were Ellie’s favourite animals of the day, I’m not sure why but she kept dragging us back to them. I loved the Orangutan and the monkeys and were so lucky that two came up close to the window and Ellie was able to get a good look at them. However, as mentioned before, the Red Ape Realm was quite busy so we didn’t get a great look at the Apes in there but that was to be expected.

Hubby was feeling brave and wanted to take Ellie in to the Fruit Bat Cave, as my brother is petrified I decided to stay with him while Hubby and my brother-in-law took her in. I was expecting them to come straight back out because she was screaming yet they took their time and Hubby says Ellie was constantly looking around. He did say it wasn’t as dark as it normally feels so they were able to see the bats a bit more clearly which I think helped. I still don’t think we’d have got my brother to walk through though!

Due to Ellie walking for most of the day we didn’t get to visit the whole 110 acres and I think in hindsight we could have used the Zoo’s monorail to get around more of the animals. There is also a water boat ride but Ellie’s not quite old enough for that yet so thought we’d give it a miss this time. I do wish we’d have gotten over to the Islands part as I think she would have loved the animals there but we will do that part first next time!

The whole day was mesmerising, from the moment we got there Ellie was so happy to be out in the fresh air, splashing in the puddles and conning Daddy out of money at the gift shop (already!! We spent £30 in there!) I was slightly disappointed that we couldn’t find the Dinosaur exhibit that we saw when I was pregnant with Ellie but we could tell there was lots going on to make the park ready for the Summer and I’m expecting we will be going back in the 6 week holidays for another visit! The sheer amount of animals you could see is enough to go back, from elephants and lions to sloth, bats and butterflies! There really is something for everyone and if the walking doesn’t tire the little ones then the play areas certainly will. I’d have loved to have let Ellie have a wander but they were busy with much older children and I was scared she’d get squashed!

Overall we had a lovely family day, making memories and although the admission price was still pricey (£21 each!) with the Carer being free and Ellie being under 2 we all got in for £43 which really wasn’t that bad! I would recommend it to anyone wanting to visit a clean and family friendly zoo.

 

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, reading, telford, Uncategorized, world book day

World Book Day

“If you are ever going to get anywhere in life you have to read a lot of books.” Roald Dahl

It’s never too early to build a love for reading. World Book Day might almost be over but we continue to give Ellie the best start in life and a love for books is one of the greatest things we can pass on to her. We are lucky in that Ellie already loves books and has from a very early age. She has always enjoyed looking at the pictures and already turns the pages herself. Even before she was born we had a collection of books ready and waiting to be read (another reality of life after baby loss!) and I couldn’t wait to sit with my children and read to them before bed.  Continue reading “World Book Day”

Posted in grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized

First birthday

And just like that my second child is ONE! I’m not sure where the last year has gone to be honest with you. The past week has been even more hectic than usual and im finally starting to find my feet again and catch up on everything. I had planned to have written three blog posts however none of them have actually happened. So here is how we celebrated our rainbow turning 1.

Continue reading “First birthday”