Tag: rainbow baby

Posted in parenting

No more nappies

Posted on by Amy

My plans were that Ellie would be completely toilet trained by the time the 6 week holidays were over but the closer we got the more I realised she really wasn’t ready. She would have tantrums whenever we offered the potty or cry if she didn’t have a nappy on. She would tell us it is safe in her nappy and I knew we’d cause more anxiety by forcing her and we needed to wait until she was ready.

At the start of the summer Ellie was suddenly ready. She asked for her potty and didn’t want her nappy on as much. It was fine while we were at home but I was dreading going anywhere. I’d concluded we wouldn’t be toilet training so I wasn’t prepared for the sudden change of mind! We did little journeys, putting a towel on Ellie’s car seat and carrying enough pants to last a month 🤣

We had no accidents but found car journeys were causing Ellie too much stress as she worried about leaking on her chair. We survived a wedding where I carried her toilet seat everywhere and a 2 hour journey to our holiday making regular stops. Ellie was doing amazing. I would definitely say that once they are “ready” it will just happen.

Now that Ellie is dry in the day and has been for just over a month, she has now decided she doesn’t like the pull ups at night. We’ve used the pull ups at night since she stopped wearing nappies and she hasn’t had an issue with them but they do irritate her on the sides. Again, I wasn’t prepared for night time toilet training but so far she’s done really well. She hasn’t had a pull up on for 5 nights now and she’s been dry for 5 nights too! I’ve limited her drink once she’s in bed and she’s been using the toilet just before bed too. I’ve then been taking her to the toilet when I come to bed just as an extra but find if I don’t she wakes herself up and tells us which is great. Now just to show her she can use the toilet without waking me up… Now that would be amazing!!

I wish I had some magic tips to offer but I feel like our toilet training was a bit of a fluke. My biggest tip would be to get them used to having pants on without nappy time and not worrying too much about the mess. Waiting until they are ready is also the best way to try toilet training as it won’t take as long to master.

I am so proud of Ellie as she has done all of this before she is even 3.

Posted in parenting, parenting after loss, product review

Photographs

Posted on by Amy

Ever since I was a teen I’ve loved taking pictures, I was always hiding in my bedroom trying to find new ways to take “the best selfie” or posing in some way. Yet actually, I hate having my picture taken, I get awkward and self-conscious and always feel like a whale. I remember when Luke and I would go on holidays (always a coach trip abroad and they were AMAZING!) I would take roughly 2000 pictures to remember every single detail of that trip. Of cause, I don’t even look at them and the thousands of scenic pictures mean nothing to me as I don’t remember half the places we visited. Yet, I still take them.

I remember not wanting to take any photos of Jason the day he was born. It felt wrong and insensitive somehow. He was dead. I didn’t hold him alive and I didn’t want to fake how I was feeling for a picture either. I was told that the midwives would take some photo’s of him so there would be some if we ever wanted them. I didn’t want anyone to meet him but allowed close family in to say hello and goodbye; I denied those who would have loved him so much that chance but I knew I’d have put on a brave face and pretended this was exactly what we were expecting if they had come. I wanted to be true to myself, I wanted to cry and grieve for the little boy in my arms who didn’t even get to meet his Mum.
Right before we said our final goodbyes to Jason I took one photograph on my phone. I placed him in the incubator/cot, wrapped his blue blanket around him (a hospital one as I couldn’t bear to see him with anything we had in our hospital bag…nothing would have fit any way) and took the only photograph I have in colour of my beautiful little boy. A decision I regret every day of my life. I wanted more. I need more and I can’t go back to take them. I’d give anything for one picture of the three of us. One moment where we could pretend our family was complete, regardless of whether we were happy or sad, just one photograph showing for a brief moment we were complete.

Since Ellie’s birth I have taken far too many lots of photos. I want as many pictures of her as I can possibly get because if ANYTHING was to happen to her at least I would have them to look back and remember that she is here. I know that sounds morbid but when you have lost a child you never fully believe any other children are here to stay either. I try to take as many family pictures as I can and i’m always asking Luke to take pictures of me and Ellie together. He doesn’t. He forgets. He’s not very good with photographs and the ones he does take seem forced because i’ve asked for them. I want those pictures where we are just being us, the pictures where we are playing…like I take of him and Ellie all the time.

What saddens me the most is that our family is complete. Not physically of course but complete all the same and I will never be able to have that family photo of the four of us together. However, I do have something pretty close and it means the world to me.

I have been Instagram friends with Nin for a while, our mutual loss of our children bringing two random strangers together and building a friendship. She has started her own small business creating beautiful family portraits so I messaged her to see if she could create something for me. We talked about what I wanted, we discussed whether I wanted Jason to be as he was born or as he should be now. I sent Nin pictures and she used what she knew about me and my little family to create something that is perfect. Every little detail was done with so much thought and care. Nin’s illustrations are stunning and she managed to get this drawn, coloured and sent all within the space of a few days! I was totally surprised when it arrived just 4 days after first talking through what I wanted.

Luke, Ellie, Jason, Me and Misty the Cat – Our family…finally complete in a picture.

If you are looking for something a little different, a bit more personal or even a way to make your family complete then please get in touch with her. These illustrations would make the PERFECT gift for any occasion and she isn’t afraid of a challenge either!

To see more of her work please head on over to her instagram page

Disclosure: this is NOT an ad, I paid for this illustration and just wanted to share how amazing it is!! All views and opinions are my own.

Posted in #BeASuperstar, Alder Hey, baby clothing, baby fashion, clothing, fashion, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, Rainbow Mummy, toddler fashion

#beasuperstar

Posted on by Amy

It all started a few years ago when my brother who if I remember rightly was around 17 at the time woke up and had quite a traumatic situation happen (which I won’t go in to the gory details) and meant he needed a very quick trip to A&E to be checked out. Any one who know’s my brother knows he can be quite dramatic at times and we had assumed this event wasn’t too serious however we were wrong.

A trip to A&E meant we had learnt that my brother had quite a poorly bladder, and had had this for quite some time…possibly from birth and this meant he needed to be taken to Alder Hey Hospital as our local hospital did not have the facilities to support him. My family were quite worried as Liverpool isn’t around the corner and it meant close to a 2 hour drive for my Dad there and back each day and he was in hospital for about a week I think. Due to his Down Syndrome, Alder Hey allowed him to stay on the children’s ward, he was mentally the same age as the other children on the ward and it helped knowing he would be acknowledged as both a child and a young adult. I remember being so incredibly scared, thinking he was going to die, a worry I had from a young age, and I’d be left without my wonderful, loving brother. Alder Hey were absolutely amazing with him and my family and I will always be grateful to them for their amazing facilities as without them my brother may not have been here today.

I share this story as a bit of a background as to why I feel such a need to participate in Matalan’s collaboration with Alder Hey around this time of year. For anyone who doesn’t know, for the past few years Matalan have released a special set of pyjamas/dog outfits/socks in partnership with Alder Hey in a bid to raise money AND most importantly awareness for a charity/hospital who do their VERY best to change the lives of their patients and families during their stay.

This partnership has been a huge hit since day one and the first year it became very difficult to get any of the merchandise however my Mother-in-law triumphed and was able to get Ellie a #getyourstripeson onesie for her very first christmas. She was a month old and I felt so proud that she was already supporting such a wonderful cause. Deep down I know had Jason lived, he most probably would have needed the care from Alder Hey too so it feels important to me that I support it whenever I can.

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December 2016 – #GetYourStripes

Last year I was aware of how much support this campaign receives so I was quick to order mine and Ellie’s matching PJs. It was the first time we had anything that matched and it emphasised my love for matching clothes! I felt like the design held a part of Jason as along with the spots, there was a small blue elephant, which is Alder Hey’s mascot, but I felt so connected to him when I wore them and matched as if I had some way of keeping both my babies close.

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December 2017 – #GetSpotted

I hadn’t really thought about this years campaign until it appeared on my FB timeline and I actually squealed with excitement. This year seems to have gone so fast, so much has happened and I currently have so much going on in my head that I am constantly chasing my tail. Once again, I ordered matching PJ’s for me and Ellie. I still wear my spots with pride however Ellie’s have been too small for quite some time now and it’s great knowing these should fit her for most of the year now she is in 2-3 years clothes rather than months!

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September 2018 – #BeASuperstar

I must say I am slightly disappointed that this years design doesn’t include the Alder Hey elephant however Ellie is so obsessed with stars and she is started to learn colours that we have had loads of fun matching the blue stars on our matching pyjamas so it is still a huge hit with us.

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September 2018 – #BeASuperstar

To sum up these PJs are super comfy, unisex so hide all my mum-tum flabby bits and are actually quite generous in size. They are nice and warm, perfect for the 4 months of snow we are apparently going to have this winter! For Ellie, the cuffed arms and legs are perfect as they are still slightly big for her (she’s not quite 2 yet) so ensure she isn’t always falling out of them. They are bright and colourful and have already given her lots of play with colours.

You can order yours here!

I am already excited for what next year’s designs will look like!
Anyone else got their #BeASuperStar PJ’s? I’d love to see them!

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, Somewhere After The Rainbow, Uncategorized

National Rainbow Baby Day

Posted on by Amy

Today (22nd August) is National Rainbow Day, which follows on from Baby Loss Awareness Week and Day of Hope.

When I was pregnant with Ellie I didnt like the term rainbow baby, I didnt like the idea of Jasons life/death being thought of as “the storm” however the term is widely known in the baby loss community and becoming more known in the public eye too so it is easier to call her our Rainbow instead of explaining our story repeatedly.

A rainbow baby doesn’t take away the pain from the loss of a child. I have said before that I have grieved harder for Jason since Ellie was born I carry more guilt because she is alive and he isn’t but in other ways it does ease the pain. My arms are no longer empty, my heart is fuller than ever and my smile isnt always fake. She has given me a new reason to live when all I wanted was to die.

So today I wanted to celebrate her. I live to make my children proud and I want Ellie to grow up knowing everything I do is for her. My worry is that she will grow up feeling like she is second best or having to compete with Jason for my attention however I also want her to grow up being able to talk about her big brother and know about him, I need him to be included just as much as I need Ellie to know she is our reason for living.

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For me, Ellie has made me feel like I can be happy again, she makes me smile and feel more love than I could have possibly thought I could give. Since Ellie arrived I have been able to listen to music without crying, I can focus on the lyrics and find some happiness within the sad. I don’t drive to work with the tears flowly freely, in fact I dont cry as much as I used to at all. I want to go out and make memories but I still find celebrations and family meals etc hard. I am still reminded every day of the things we are missing out on but it is easier to handle now I have someone who gives me cuddles when I am sad.

When Jason died I thought that was my only chance of hearing anyone call me mum and it was gone; hearing Ellie call for her Mama is something I will never tire of no matter what time it is.

She reminds me of how much I love her Daddy and how much our family means to me; sometimes in the crazy life of parenting it is easy to forget about the love you had before children but when I see how much he makes Ellie laugh and how big his smile is when he is with her it makes me feel like I am 15 again and in this early stages of love.

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Ellie has filled my life with happiness, love and so much laughter that I never thought I would ever feel again. I will always be so grateful for my rainbow baby, for her beauty, for having her brothers nose, for reminding me how lucky I am to have held them both and loved them both as long as the stars shine in the night.

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I am also always reminded of those who don’t have their rainbow and my heart hurts for them so much. Our babies are our lives and for a grieving parent the longing to have their baby is intensified. Please know I share your pain and wish I could take it away and bring your beautiful babies back to you. I wish none of us knew this pain and I hope you are able to feel true happiness once more.

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Posted in grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized

First birthday

Posted on by Amy

And just like that my second child is ONE! I’m not sure where the last year has gone to be honest with you. The past week has been even more hectic than usual and im finally starting to find my feet again and catch up on everything. I had planned to have written three blog posts however none of them have actually happened. So here is how we celebrated our rainbow turning 1.

Continue reading “First birthday” →

Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized

October.

Posted on by Amy

October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month and to me is pretty important. As you may know October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and for me, both go hand in hand.

A year ago a documentary was shown on BBC Two called A World Without Down Syndrome, a documentary that I’d been dying to watch and excited to see how DS was portrayed by someone who actually lived with DS rather than people who knew very little about the condition. It’s about time the world saw just how this condition changed lives but not in the dreaded way the media make it out to be.

I couldn’t and refuse to think of a life without my brother in it. Since we were small I’ve looked after him, protected him, thought of him as more than a brother, he’s my friend too. My parents did not know he had DS until he was born, and to this day they have been honest in telling the world that if they had known they don’t know what they’d have done. I’m grateful that they didn’t know. More grateful than most people could imagine. This dot make them bad people, it meant that DS was unheard of. The condition wasn’t spoken about (much like pregnancy and child loss still is now!) and people were afraid of what that meant for their child. I thought that this idea of DS being a burden had changed however was shocked to hear that 9 out of 10 people who are given a positive diagnosis then terminate their baby. How misguided they have been.

When I was pregnant with Jason, my brother’s DS didn’t really get taken in to account as it’s unusual for it to ‘run in the family’ however we had the screening test just to prepare ourselves if the risk was high. The screening came back low and we never thought about it again. When we found out Jason had DS we were sat in a hospital room discussing his post mortem. I couldn’t believe my luck that I’d also given birth to a child with DS, only Jason wasn’t as lucky as my brother was and didn’t survive. I did not and do not see Jason’s DS as being a burden. Many people have told me in the past year “It might have been for the best.” “You’ve done your share of caring for a child.” “Maybe someone up there decided you didn’t need another person with such complex needs in your life.” “He wouldn’t have been the same as your brother, maybe it was an escape.” All these words kill me. How wrong people have been. Jason AND my brother have never been burdens on me, I’d considered myself lucky to be carrying Jason any way but him having DS means he’s even more special to me. I don’t know whether his DS would have been more complex as my brother’s or whether it would be like watching him grow up all over again. That chance to find out was taken away from me and I’ll never know. I can just sit and wonder what life would have been like with my baby boy who just happened to have Down Syndrome.

I’m afraid to say I managed to watch maybe 5-10 minutes of the documentary before I was completely overwrought with grief that I began to cry uncontrollably. I realised the fact that people are still terminating babies just because they have Down Syndrome was just too raw for me. I would never have terminated my baby, regardless of whether we knew he had DS or not. I could never justify that being an option and the fact that Jason was stolen from me without me seeing him alive and seeing his beautiful almond shaped eyes and chunky tongue was too much for me bear and I couldn’t watch any more.

I hope any one who reads this blog can watch this documentary as I believe it’s needed to find out that people with DS are some of the most kind, caring, wonderful people you could ever meet. I’m not denying they can be hard work, but isn’t everyone at times? Yes they may have other conditions/issues but the love they provide is worth all the pain and hardtimes.

I would give ANYTHING to watch my son grow up and hit those milestones just like any other baby would. I would give my last breath to see the colour of his almond shaped eyes. I would give my life for him to have his. And yet others are given the option to terminate (right up until the very end of pregnancy) because they are too ignorant to know what DS can entail.

I know I am biased but life with someone who has Down Syndrome does not consume your entire life. For me, it’s made it far better than I could have ever imagined.

Posted in Baby Groups, baby loss, grief, Hartbeeps, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized

Baby groups.

Posted on by Amy

Baby Groups.

A topic that can show you exactly what type of mummy you are talking to. You get those mummies who absolutely love baby groups with their best friends (who also have babies) who ‘do’ lunch afterwards and you get those mummies who shudder at the thought of attending a baby group and interacting with other mums.

Continue reading “Baby groups.” →