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I Wish

I wish I knew then what I know now…I wish I could go back and tell the old me all these things…I wish I could change the past but I cant. All I  do is relive those precious moments we had with Jason and hope he knows we did everything we could at the time. 

We didnt know Jason was going to die, he didnt die in the womb, he died after taking his first breath, he died never knowing what it felt like to be in his mothers arms, he died infront of doctors who tried as hard as they could to help him survive. It breaks my heart that his short life wasnt spent with me and I didnt get to hold him alive.

Of cause if I could change the outcome I would in a heartbeat but if I could live that day again, knowing nothing could be changed I still would. I wouldnt change my time with Jason at all because it was time with my Son.

There are things I would do differently though if I knew then what I know now. I would make memories with him but I didnt feel like I could do anything at the time. Jason was born at home at 7:36 however we didnt get to meet him until nearly 9am, after I had been stitched up and the consultant came to tell us he had died, at first I didnt want to see him however when the nurse brought him in and placed him in my arms I knew I needed to. I wanted and loved this baby from the day we knew about him and I couldn’t begin to fathom why he wasnt awake. I lay there just holding him, begging him to start crying, hoping they had got it all wrong. We let immediate family come and visit him and spend some time with him but I wouldnt let anyone else come, I was scared they would be disgusted by my dead baby, say something about him, I know deep down that noone we would have wanted there would do anything like that but your brain struggles to make sense of anything when it has gone tthroigha trauma like ours and nothing felt right. How could anything be right when everything was so very wrong?

I do wish more than anything that I had taken pictures, a family picture, pictures of him, pictures of me and my son, his perfect fingers, his gorgeous ginger hair…I dont have any of those. I do have pictures the hospital had taken but they are all I have and it hurts to think I will never have any more of him. I took one picture in haste just before we left him in the large room all on his own, he has a blanket wrapped right up to his head so I cant see his hair and it reminds me of something a nun would wear, he wasnt wearing the outfit I carefully chose for him, nothing we took would have fit his tiny 3lbs 6ozs body.

If I could advise someone who knows their baby may not survive or knows their baby has died it would be to take all those pictures, ignore the thought of it being morbid because it might be the only chance you get to make those precious memories. I probably take far too many pictures of Ellie but that is only because I know life is precious and no life is to be taken for granted, I will never know for sure how much time we have together.

Life really is more valuable than people realise and I know I would take it for granted if I had all my babies with me.


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

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