parenting

Baby Loss Awareness Week 2020

For 5 years I have supported BLAW, or tried to. I have a habit of getting very overwhelmed with the things others do to raise awareness and end up feeling like I haven’t done enough, like once again I’ve failed Jason for not doing “more” and I end up giving up and really only remembering to do the Wave of Light.

This year I took a step back, reminded myself that by taking part in BLAW and sharing our story that is enough, I know Jason would be proud of his Mum for talking about him and making sure the world knows he existed. I know I do “enough” because living through this hell is enough. I jotted down some ideas, planned my social media content and I survived the week sharing my story and getting people to talk about a topic that nobody wants to talk about let alone have to survive through.

I then decided I would share the posts here, in one post, for myself to look back upon but also for anyone trying to navigate the world of baby loss and wanting to know they are not alone. If this is you, I promise you, you are not alone and you will “survive” you will feel happiness again and sometimes you will still cry. Remember, my inbox is ALWAYS open!

Day 1

๐Ÿ’™๐˜ฝ๐™–๐™—๐™ฎ ๐™‡๐™ค๐™จ๐™จ ๐˜ผ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™ง๐™š๐™ฃ๐™š๐™จ๐™จ ๐™’๐™š๐™š๐™ ๐Ÿ’™
Today marks the beginning of baby loss awareness week – something I knew absolutely nothing about. This week I’d like to share our journey, Jason and the love I have for the boy who made me a Mummy. I appreciate that for a lot of people the thought of losing their baby/child is one they don’t want to imagine but for me and thousands more it’s a reality we live with every day. I talk about Jason because he existed, he grew inside me, he was born and he lived. He deserves to be remembered, loved and shared with the world. I hope you stick around and please be kind. There will be lots of mums grieving this week, some openly, some in secret.

If you’re thinking of a baby gone too soon, whether it’s your own or a loved one – please share their name below โค๏ธ

Day 2

๐Ÿ’™๐˜ฝ๐™–๐™—๐™ฎ ๐™‡๐™ค๐™จ๐™จ ๐˜ผ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™ง๐™š๐™ฃ๐™š๐™จ๐™จ ๐™’๐™š๐™š๐™ ๐Ÿ’™
๐‘ƒ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’๐‘”๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘๐‘ฆ
I found out I was pregnant just a few weeks after we’d got married – meaning I was already pregnant when we got married. It came as a huge shock as we hadn’t planned on trying so soon but was over the moon to be starting our family. Honestly, my pregnancy was pretty standard, no morning sickness, no health issues and little man was growing perfectly (or so we were led to believe). Looking back, I can see things were so perfect and wish I wasn’t so naive. This picture was taken hours before Jason was born – the last bump pic, a very spontaneous one just because but I’m so glad I did as this was the last moment everything felt perfect ๐Ÿ’•

Day 3

๐Ÿ’™๐˜ฝ๐™–๐™—๐™ฎ ๐™‡๐™ค๐™จ๐™จ ๐˜ผ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™ง๐™š๐™ฃ๐™š๐™จ๐™จ ๐™’๐™š๐™š๐™ ๐Ÿ’™
๐ต๐‘–๐‘Ÿ๐‘กโ„Ž
I’ve written Jason’s birth story down so many times but it doesn’t get any easier. Jason was born during an unexpected homebirth at 35 weeks. I was under the impression that we’d made it through the danger zone and at 35 weeks it would all be okay. Of cause it wasn’t. There is no safe zone in pregnancy no matter what you are told. My boy lived for 37 minutes and I am so proud of how much of a fighter he was. Jason’s story is written in full on my blog if anyone wants to read it – it’s too much to write on a caption but I also wouldn’t want to upset anyone or trigger anyones grief.

Day 4

๐Ÿ’™๐˜ฝ๐™–๐™—๐™ฎ ๐™‡๐™ค๐™จ๐™จ ๐˜ผ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™ง๐™š๐™ฃ๐™š๐™จ๐™จ ๐™’๐™š๐™š๐™ ๐Ÿ’™
๐น๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘™
We weren’t prepared for planning a funeral. Wed prepared ourselves for dirty nappies, sleepless nights and bottle making. We didn’t know the first thing about planning a funeral.

We didn’t allow people to attend, close family was it. I knew it would be hard for me not to put on a brave face if others were there. It was a simple ceremony, no words were spoken – how do you talk about someone whose life barely began? Standing watching his tiny coffin disappear behind the curtain, wondering whether we made the right choice, wondering whether any choice was the right choice. Those who have always been the strongest crumbled, I hated that I couldn’t protect them from the pain. I hated that I couldn’t just pick him up and take him away from it all. I felt so helpless.

Day 5

๐Ÿ’™๐˜ฝ๐™–๐™—๐™ฎ ๐™‡๐™ค๐™จ๐™จ ๐˜ผ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™ง๐™š๐™ฃ๐™š๐™จ๐™จ ๐™’๐™š๐™š๐™ ๐Ÿ’™
๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘“๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ÿ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘ 
I’m sure you can imagine, our lives changed so much after Jason’s death. We couldn’t stay in the house we loved so much, it was tarnished by his death, the room where all his things were kept was empty and echoed with the loss we faced. We moved; we adopted Luke’s nans cat in the move and I hated the thought of having a pet – I was meant to have a baby not a pet. However that little ginger furball saved me more than I ever thought he would. He gave me a reason to get up and function and without that I’m not sure I’d have “coped” through the first year without Jason. Misty became part of our family and was so protective over my Ellie bump before he died. Ellie’s birth gave us so much happiness, I feel so privileged to be her mummy and I don’t take any moment with her for granted. I know how short life can be and I know the way I parent has been tainted by the thought that anything could happen and I could still lose her. That’s how a grieving parents mind works. Life after loss seems fairly “normal” to the outside world, we function just like we would if Jason hadn’t have died or if he hadn’t existed but inside we are still grieving and will always grieve for the boy he should have been.

Day 6

๐Ÿ’™๐˜ฝ๐™–๐™—๐™ฎ ๐™‡๐™ค๐™จ๐™จ ๐˜ผ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™ง๐™š๐™ฃ๐™š๐™จ๐™จ ๐™’๐™š๐™š๐™ ๐Ÿ’™
๐ฝ๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘œ๐‘›’๐‘  ๐ฟ๐‘’๐‘”๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘ฆ
That is your legacy on this Earth when you leave this Earth: how many hearts you touched. To date we have raised nearly ยฃ4000 for different baby loss charities, all in Jason’s memory and created a library in our local hospital bereavement suite full of books and stories relating to loss and specifically baby loss which has already helped so many families in the early stages of loss. I feel incredibly proud to be the mummy of a boy who has touched so many lives without ever meeting anyone. In December we take part in #adventtoremember which is such a wonderful way of remembering loved ones throughout December in any way you see fit – we do family trips, Christmas themed activities and raok, I share Jason in as many ways as I can.
๐ˆ ๐œ๐š๐ง’๐ญ ๐ญ๐ž๐š๐œ๐ก ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐ฌ๐จ๐ง ๐š๐›๐จ๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ญ๐ก๐ž ๐ฐ๐จ๐ซ๐ฅ๐ ๐›๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ˆ ๐œ๐š๐ง ๐ญ๐ž๐š๐œ๐ก ๐ญ๐ก๐ž ๐ฐ๐จ๐ซ๐ฅ๐ ๐š๐›๐จ๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐ฌ๐จ๐ง, ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ฃ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ง๐ž๐ฒ ๐š๐ง๐ ๐ซ๐š๐ข๐ฌ๐ž ๐š๐ฐ๐š๐ซ๐ž๐ง๐ž๐ฌ๐ฌ.

Day 7

๐Ÿ’™๐˜ฝ๐™–๐™—๐™ฎ ๐™‡๐™ค๐™จ๐™จ ๐˜ผ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™ง๐™š๐™ฃ๐™š๐™จ๐™จ ๐™’๐™š๐™š๐™ ๐Ÿ’™
๐‘Š๐‘Ž๐‘ฃ๐‘’ ๐‘œ๐‘“ ๐‘™๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก
For my son, the little fighter who made me a Mummy. The Little man who I was so lucky to have held and love with every part of my heart. For all the babies who have gone too soon, for all the ones we didn’t get to bring home.
I light my candle because I am 1 in 4.

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