Tomorrow we travel to North Wales for our family holiday, we are all packed up and the car has had its check. I have spent all week feeling giddy at gettinf away and feeling the sand between my toes. Ive felt excited at taking Ellie to spend the week in a caravan and make memories with her. Last years holiday was very stressful and Ellie cried for half the week we were away so this year I am hoping she enjoys it too.
Tonight my anxiety feels like a huge weight on my shoulders, filling me with dread that Ellie will cry for most of the week again, wondering whether this heatwave will make it too hot to go anywhere or the rain will FINALLY come and we will be stuck in the caravan unprepared for such wetness.
Tonight I am reminded that a family holiday should be different, a thought that feels like a knife to the heart. Oh how I wish life was different, I wish more than anything I was walking Ellie and Jason across the sand on our family holiday. Tonight I have spent time packing permanent markers to write his name on a stone. I write the names of so many babies to take them on our adventures, I plan which beach I will write his name in the sand to be washed away later.
Tonight I am reminded that while we go away my sons ashes are in a memory box, hidden away so no harm can come to them.
There is always someone missing whenever we do anything as a family and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to change that other than planning ways to take him with us. This year I am going to be brave and not act as subtle as I did last year. Hubbys counselling is helping and I feel much more comfortable doing things for Jason on our travels.