Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford, Uncategorized

To the Mum/Dad…

To the Mum/Dad…

To the Mum/Dad who’s baby won’t stop crying in the middle of the night – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who’s fallen asleep while feeding – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who feels like they don’t know what they are doing – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who isn’t the parent she thought she was going to be – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who’s child has screamed while out in public – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who’s toddler refuses to eat their food – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who cries themselves to sleep because they don’t feel good enough – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who drinks cold tea and eats one handed while the other is feeding someone else – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who feeds their child fish fingers and chips or goes to McD’s once in a while – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who doesn’t plan out daily activities – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who isn’t “Instaperfect” or a “Pintrest Mum” – You are not alone.

Parenting is really hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be. I imagined I would have all the patience in the world yet I find myself shouting at Ellie when she’s having a meltdown rather than trying to talk her round like I would the children at work. I thought I’d be doing fine motor/sensory play all the time and making activities to build those necessary skills but I don’t. My house isn’t always tidy and I know I spend too much time scrolling on my phone, I am far too critical on myself and more often than not convince myself that Ellie would be better without me.

I often wonder if I would have been a different type of parent had Jason lived. Would I have had more patience? Would I have got annoyed as quickly? Does my guilt and grief affect my parenting in this way now that Ellie is here and Jason isn’t? I often wonder whether Ellie would be able to be without us if she had a living sibling or would she have still been as needy and therefore parenting would have been so much harder. Would I have more time for Jason knowing his needs would have been far more demanding or would I eventually lose patience with him too? I often wonder what kind of Mum I could have been. I know I am different because he isn’t here and I hate myself for not being better for Ellie.

In actual fact, everything I do is for my children. Ellie would never be better off without her mum, fact! I spend so much time on my phone trying to find new places to go or new recipes to try (and probably still too much time on IG but I still need me time). I might shout at her but that is usually because she has spent HOURS screaming and throwing herself to the floor because I won’t let her do something dangerous or I’ve said no to watching Peppa Pig for the 100000000th time. I might lose my patience when Ellie has days where she is clinging to me from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to bed and that is including nap time because there are times where she won’t sleep without being near me. I might need more time to sit down and feel the need for 5 minutes of complete alone time….but Ellie probably spends at least 15 hours of her day with us (including the middle of the night) and it does drain you, emotional, physically and mentally drains you!

No parent is perfect, how can they be when we are all doing the same job to the best of our ability? I’m definitely not perfect and I haven’t met anyone who is yet but as long as Ellie is happy and feels loved I am doing a pretty good job of being her mum and she will always feel loved and wanted.


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

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