When you are pregnant nobody warns you what life will be like with a baby. When you are pregnant after baby loss people are too afraid to tell you what having a baby is really like and once that baby is here you are in your own bubble of euphoria that life is everything you ever for and everything you lost when your baby died is now here and you’ve been given your chance to be the best parent you possibly can.
Fast forward 15 months later and I feel like my bubble has well and truly burst and those picture perfect days of having a newborn and still being the person you were before seem like a very distant memory. Yet you feel immediate guilt because you went through so much pain and hurt to finally hold your baby alive in your arm and nothing should taint that.
I feel so lucky to have Ellie, to watch her grow, to form that mother/daughter bond with her that every mother dreams of having. I know I am one of the few who got my second chance to parent, I also know that had Jason lived Ellie may not have been born and life would have been far more difficult than it is now.
But nobody ever warns you about the sleepless nights, the constant worry or the times where you just feel so beaten. Nobody warns you that you will spend hours with a toddler attaches to your every limb or that they will refuse to eat the tea you spent hours cooking. Nobody warns you that when they cry it may not have a reason and it can last for hours too. Nobody tells you that regardless of what you think is right you will do ANYTHING for a few hours of unbroken sleep including cosleeping. They don’t tell you that no matter how much you worry and think you may need professional opinions you won’t get an appointment straight away and by the time you do the worry has probably gone any way. Nobody tells you that the most simple things can make you cry, like a cold cup of tea, like your baby suddenly knowing what a nose is or just pure tiredness. Nobody warns you of those judgemental looks from strangers when you can’t control your child’s screams in public or when they stiffen up and you feel overwhelmed trying to put them in their carseat/pushchair.
I knew that my life would change when I became a mum however I didn’t know how hard it would feel.I love being Ellie and Jason’s mummy and I know it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.