Nine

Nine years since I last held you.
Nine years since I saw those tiny little hands.
Nine years since I had to say Goodbye.

I have punished myself today; I can’t understand why I feel “okay” and why I haven’t crumbled like I have done so many times in the past 9 years. Jason’s birthday doesn’t come with the huge wave of grief as it normally would; I don’t know if that’s just because I am numb to the pain or whether as a parent we have to be okay for our living children. All I know is as the years have flown by, Jason’s birthday is easier to survive. I hate that!

I don’t want it to be just another normal day, I want to feel the pain and the hurt – to remind myself that he lived and he died, that life is really pretty crappy sometimes and that bad things do happen to people who don’t deserve it. With each year that passes my memories of him fade; I can’t remember what he felt like to hold or how he smelt, I don’t remember what I said to him or whether I even spoke to him at all.

All I have left are regrets; things I wish I knew and things I wish I did differently when I had the chance.

The day Jason died we stayed up all night, neither of us wanting to sleep and wake up without our baby in the house. I remember wondering if we’d get through the night never mind a week, a year…How did it become 9 years so quickly?

What would a 9 year old be like? I look at children Jason’s age and it doesn’t answer my question – nothing ever will.

I am here to tell you that it does get easier, whether you want it to or not. You can find happiness again and life does go on. It sucks but it’s true.

9 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who for 37 minutes fought for his life and lost. In the past 9 years we have learnt that his death may not have happened if early checks had picked up some health issues but inevitably his death could have been avoided if we’d have known more. As a parent all we want is for our children to live happy, healthy lives and I will always be guilty for not knowing Jason’s was going to end before it ever truly began.