I’ve been quiet for the past few days, I haven’t really known what to write or how I’m feeling. Since the release of the Pokemon Go app i’ve felt like myself again. The old me. Not the me who has had a baby and cremated her baby but the childish girl who loved Pokemon growing up.
I remember growing up and getting excited over which cards I could swap or get in a new packet. I remember being so care-free and young that nothing in the world mattered as long as I found that shiny Charizard.
Now, Pokemon gives me a reason to feel like that again. Hubby and I have been walking every chance we get to “catch them all” and it’s felt good to be that person again. I’ve felt like my relationship with hubby has gone back to those early days where we used to just walk and talk for hours and not care about the rest of the world. While we are walking and focused on the app I forget that we aren’t those people any more. We haven’t had this trauma and we’re not putting ourselves in another difficult situation waiting for our princess to be born.
Then, when I do remember, I find myself feeling so guilty and angry that I have forgotten so easily. Forgotten is the wrong word, I can never forget, I don’t ever want to forget but sometimes it is nice to pretend I suppose. I get so angry that my life isn’t carefree anymore, I spend every day dodging other people’s happiness so I don’t have to pretend i’m happy for them. I spend each moment wishing for something that I can never get back. This isn’t like when a relationship ends and you miss that person, even when a relationship ends, there is still hope. I don’t have that. There is no hope that my baby will return to me, there’s no going back and fixing what was wrong and making it better second time round. I don’t get to hug or kiss my boy, all I have are the few memories I have of him and our time together. It isn’t the same at all. People think that by indulging myself in this game I’ve ‘gotten over it’ and I’ve started being me again. In a way they are right but then when I’m alone that’s not me. I am the grieving mother, I am the woman who couldn’t bring her son in to the world safely and couldn’t protect him. I will always battle with these demons and wonder how my life would be different now. I doubt I’d have time to play games on my phone which is why i’ve divulged myself in to now before our rainbow arrives in November (hopefully!)
Does anyone else feel this torn for doing something that makes them feel like their old selves? Does anyone else feel guilty for it too? Or is it just me?
I hate feeling like I want to be the person I was before Jason. He gave me the privilege of being a mum and it was him who helped me become the person I am and regardless of whether I particularly like this person, I wouldn’t change having him for a second.
Jason, in 2 days you would have been 16 months old. I constantly wonder what you’d be doing.Would you have a favourite toy? Would you be walking or even talking yet? A baby with Down Syndrome doesn’t always meet the same milestones as those without the condition and I’m constantly left wondering just how your Downs would have affected your life. I really hope you are able to look after your baby sister and can help me protect her like I wish I could have protected you.I wish our lives were different and I was watching you grow rather than you watching over me. It’s because of you that I want to write, I want to share your story and tell the world how much you are loved and missed always. You were not a mistake, a tragedy. You are my Son, the reason I still breathe and the reason I live my life to share your memory, your name and your short life and I will continue to do this until my last breath.
Mummy loves you so very much Jason, you are my shining star and my greatest achievement. ❤